The Amazing Return of the Fatty

So here I am, just over a year since my last post.  A lot of things have changed...

First off, I'm divorced.  I finally got tired of taking care of an enormous manchild who threw fits about what I made for dinner and the dishes he was supposed to do after the fact.  His solution: eat out more, which we did.  This cost us money.  A LOT of money.  In the end I've been left with nothing and a huge legal bill that I will be paying off for the next six months without his help.  

Second, I lost my financial aid for school.  This, again, relates back to my ex-husband and his mismanagement of money.  I maxed out my funding and instead of having a healthy nest egg of savings built up from refunds, it was all gone due to his insistence that I spend my money on him since he did the same for me, even in times when I didn't ask for it.  His solution: he would pay for my schooling with his refunds if that happened.  Now that we're divorced he doesn't see the need to hold up that end of the bargain now and I'm floundering.

So I seek comfort in...you guessed it....food.  Of the 45 pounds I lost last year, about 15 have returned.  There are many nights when I ended up caving and just going out for a quick cheap $5 pizza from Little Caesars and some piss bear from Walgreens because it made the pain go away for a little while.  Working out has fallen to the way side.  Yoga became too emotional when I just let my mind go and getting up in the morning to go to the gym became non-existent since I haven't been sleeping well.  Hitting the snooze has been easier than hitting the weights.  When I went to see my doctor last month I got a good finger-wagging.  He didn't want to see me put on those pounds again and he could see the signs that I was in danger of that happening.

I'm trying desperately to get back on my diet and stay there.  It's hard when the healthiest foods are often the most expensive.  I tend to buy fruits and veggies on sale but I don't eat them fast enough, something I desperately need to change.  I am also debating in whether or not I should keep my gym membership.  I have small weights at home, workout videos and a bike.  In times when I have to save money that may have to go, but if I can keep it I will.

Abuse and Weight Gain: Easing the Pain with Food

Okay, folks, fair warning: this is not going to be a fun blog post.  This is going to go into a very painful time in my life that has a lot to with my weight gain: an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.  I feel, however, that it is important that it gets out there.

Last night, my husband George and I were leaving an amazing concert that we'd been looking forward to for the past few months.  Only every ten years or so does Rammstein come to the Chicagoland area due to their pyro-heavy shows and for some bizarre reason we don't like fires in the fine city of Chicago.  No idea why.  Might have had something to do with that "No Cows Allowed" sign outside Allstate Arena.  My fandom with Rammstein comes at a heavy price and past.  And I was unfortunately reminded of that at the end of the concert.

As we were leaving, I look up and see him.  Someone I hadn't seen in almost four years.  Someone that I really had come to grips with in regards to how I was treated in the time that we were together.  For three years, I endured emotional and verbal abuse from this man.  We had been engaged and when he wasn't insulting my cooking, my housekeeping or my looks, he was ignoring me.  It got to the point that I was finding attention from other men online, which he used as a catalyst to end the relationship after he put a keylogger program on my computer to monitor my chat conversations because talking to me about our issues was too hard.  Before logging onto Yahoo Messenger, however, I had been coping with his passive aggression and insults another way: through food and booze.

When I began dating him, I was 135 pounds.  By the end of the relationship I had gone up to 195.  I love to cook.  Most of my friends know this and love when I do for parties.  I am always looking for new recipes to explore and how I can make it my own.  I used to cook dinner every night for my ex.  After about two years it became a stressful ordeal when he began to insult my cooking, mostly as being too fattening, and that he couldn't eat all the stuff I was making.  I would end up eating most of it while he would drink a protein shake.  My weight ballooned as I found guilty comfort in the food I was eating.  Someone had to enjoy it if he wasn't.

Next came the booze.  At the same time I was living with this man I was also working an extremely stressful soul-sucking job.  The first thing I would do when I came home from the office was reach in the fridge for a beer.  My favorite at the time was BerryWeiss, not a light beer in the least.  If it wasn't that it was gin and tonics.  I tended to go through between two to three drinks a night depending on how bad the day was and how abusive my ex was being that night.

I've been trying to get rid of this "asshole weight" ever since.  Seeing him last night rejuvenated my desires to get back down to the weight I was before I met him.  While I am still sitting here the next day fighting back tears as three years of abuse plays back at a constant loop, I am given a renewed determination to lose the weight, better my dance career and become everything that I couldn't be while I was with him.  This painful memory will not hold me back, but push me forward.  I will not let him control me again.

BAAAAAAAACCK in the Saddle Again!!

Okay, kiddos.  I've been a bad, bad, BAD kitty.  I have been kinda blowing off the diet and the exercise for the past few weeks due to finals.  Well, the last papers are turned in and now I'm just awaiting my grade!

Fortunately I've been keeping a pretty good eye on what I eat and at the very least kept up with yoga classes, so my progress hasn't gone completely shitstorm, but my weight has gone up a few pounds.  Last night was the first night I actually cooked in WEEKS and it was a winner: whole wheat rotini with a homemade sauce that I whipped up using tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, roasted red peppers, garlic, Romano cheese and seasonings (it's amazing what happens when you open the cabinet to reveal no jarred pasta sauce, oops).  Popped some frozen turkey meatballs in the toaster oven to add to the final product and DINNER!  The Sicilian husband was most happy with the result.  I even have leftovers for today, yum.

Hanging out with a friend tonight, but before that I'm hitting the gym for 30 minutes at the very least.  Tomorrow will be yoga, dance practice, cardio and weight training.  Looking forward to getting back in the swing of things.  I have 50 more pounds to lose before the end of the year, so my short-term goal for late-August (when school starts up again) is 30 pounds.  That leaves me 20 pounds left to shoot for before finals. 
 
Captain Tenneal, take us out!

Green Break: Losing It While Giving Back to Mother Earth!

One of the things that helps in weight loss is having a good kitchen area to prepare your meals for the week, especially when you have a full schedule of work and school, much like myself.  An important part of making such a kitchen prep area work is to make sure that one stays green.  In a larger kitchen this is a bit easier as there is more space to put recycling bins and install energy efficient lighting.

However...this is my kitchen:

It has been the thing of amazement and mockery from my friends ever since I moved in and showed people.  My apartment is in a vintage building dating from the early 1920s.  Thus what we have here is a galley kitchen, which gives you the feeling that you're on a boat without the luxury or fun of having a boat.

**not included: boat, hipsters, tuxedos or T-Pain.

So when I moved it, the biggest problem I really saw, other than trying to cook my dinner in a closet, was where the hell was I gonna put my recycling?  In other apartments I had lived in I was able to set up a recycling station in smaller kitchens.  This is, by far, the smallest kitchen I've ever had to deal with, but I love a challenge.

As one can tell, the only feasible place for my recycling bins are under the sink.  Impossible?  I think not, kids!  A little Tetris-style arranging gives you this:

Paper recyling bin in white and refuse bin in green

Plastic, glass and metal recycling bin in blue

 So we have the recycling under control, but in the way of energy efficiency, sustainability and reuse this could be better:

Aluminum discs under burners keep the stove clean and are recyclable.

Plastic wash bin controls the amount of water used for washing dishes and makes a good substitute for a double sink for easy rinsing.

A fluorescent bulb in an antique lamp makes up for the lack of windows in the kitchen and provides much needed light so that kitties can find their food and water during the night.

Dumpster-diving saved these canisters from an afterlife in a landfill.

A small collection of sake bottles from our favorite sushi bar make a simple and colorful decoration in the corner.  Taking them home kept them from simply being thrown away.

So there you have it!  An eco-friendly galley kitchen to get started with!  Proof that small green kitchens are indeed possible whether you're in a cracker-box apartment, a camper or even a boat.

Alright, now they're just mocking me...

Lose Weight + Saving the Planet = ECO RESPONSIBILITY AWESOMENESS!

I just picked this little doo-dad up the other day:

Wow, what the hell is that thing?  What the hell, indeed.


Well, it's a Wrap-N-Mat, that's what!  And it's quite the snazzy little item.  It is a plastic-lined placemat that acts as a sandwich bag, doing away with the need for all those little plastic zip-topped bags we all use on a daily basis.  This one holds one standard sandwich, or as in my case today:

My entire lunch!  What's better is that this hand-washable and you let it air-dry.  A bit pricey at about six bucks a pop, but well worth it.  I found mine at my local Dominicks, but you can also order them off their site that I linked to above and they even have larger mats to choose from!


So, here we have portion control, sustainability and little to no waste going back into the environment.  It's enough to make you wanna hug your lunch!  Not too hard, though; don't want your tuna salad to leak.

Healthy Double Down Possible? Survey says YES!!

Ever since KFC released the nightmarish beast known as the Double Down, people have been decrying the unhealthiness of it.  They see a horror, I see a challenge!  For the past few months I've been batting an idea in my head for how one can make the Double Down into something healthy.  The basic premise is something that is high in protein and low in carb, which is good.  It's just that fat and sodium issue to be dealt with.  Last night was my first attempt mainly as a way to get rid of some stuff outta the fridge and freezer.  I took two turkey burgers, a piece of low-fat ham, a slice of low-fat Swiss cheese, whipped up a simple pesto with some fresh basil, walnuts and cheese in the fridge.  The result was this:

Turned out pretty good and even my husband became intrigued.  I will definitely be doing this again, probably with chicken breasts.

Look Ma! It's a BLOG!

Alright, this is something new to me, but I think as a service to myself it's something I need to do.  I have decided to make a blog chronicling my weight loss.  I maxed out at 210 pounds last year and I became determined to get back down to 150 at the very least.  I weighed myself this morning and I am at 190!  I plan on sharing my weight loss tips and express my feelings during this time that has been hard and rewarding!


Ciao, bellas!